It's Raining Subpoenas: PART II →
IT’S RAINING SUBPOENAS!
This blog is for those of us who just can’t handle the stomach ache associated with digesting current political news…
does the U.S. News cycle contain gluten?
For real though, it’s for the people who don’t have the time to keep up with the political shit storm we call U.S. politics. Who has the time to keep up with the current mob of democratic candidates, or the constant flow of impeachment headlines, testimonies, documents, rebuttals, etc?
I do. Because I live alone and my dog is my best friend.
Today we are going to break down the impeachment inquiry. We’ll talk about the history of impeachment, how it works, previous practice, allegations, testimonies, and more!
These Impeachment proceedings are a real monster to break down - so I am publishing this in TWO PARTS.
LOOK FOR PART II - OCTOBER 31
Check out the outline for this post to see what is going in parts I and II
Or be lazy and read Just The Tip. Or don’t be lazy and just dive right in with The Whole Schlong.
SORRY TO BREAK THIS UP INTO TWO PARTS, BUT IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT AMERICANS *UCKED UP THEIR POLITICAL PARTIES SO MUCH SO THAT I HAD TO WRITE THIS MUCH CONTENT TO BREAK IT DOWN. #notmyfault #notmyproblem
[ SEE A SNEAK PEAK OF WHAT’S COMING ON OCTOBER 31 ]
DISCLAIMER:
I am not a professional, this is not a legitimate source of news - just an informative and light hearted take on the current state of Democratic politics in the United States. Just enjoy it.
Sources are hyper-linked throughout text.
SO THIS WHOLE IMPEACHMENT THING…
THE WHOLE IMPEACHMENT SCHLONG PART I
The history, past impeachments, and what the constitution has to say about it
Why such a wee country matters so much
What went down and why everyone got all mad about it
THE WHOLE IMPEACHMENT SCHLONG PART II
[ October 26 ]
IV. And All Thaaaat….Testimony *jazz hands*
The allegations, the proceedings, who is testifying, why Benghazi matters, and why everyone is going bananas
V. Character List and Timeline of Alleged Events
Who is supposedly involved, who has testified, and what apparently went down
VI. What To Expect When You’re Expecting…..Impeachment
What to pay attention to, what to make fun of, and what to ignore as impeachment moves forward
What IS Impeachment?
Our boy Alexander Hamilton intentionally designed the process and qualifications to be vague, basically was just being a sneaky sneak making sure that if impeachment was attempted - that ALL the shit would hit the fan. He declared it ‘such a heavy artillery weapon, that it would not be fit for daily use.’
No U.S. President has been removed from office through impeachment. Here’s how it goes down - the House can start impeachment proceedings whenever they damn well please, and it isn’t synonymous with booting out a president. In fact, impeachment basically just means that the House has its panties in a BIG wad and they want to tell Mommy and Daddy Congress about it.
In the past presidential impeachments (many other non-presidential officials have also been impeached), they have sought a House vote before moving forwards with investigation. Pelosi’s decision to skip this step has led to lots of distraught Republicans. Her decision, while probably a dumb one, is not illegal by our constitution. The committees leading the Impeachment investigation consist of both Republicans and Democrats and they are allowed to collect their information and testimonies however they see fit. They are given this lee-way because they still have to bring it all to the House floor and get a majority vote.
Once they collect their findings, they must file official Impeachment articles on the House floor - then everybody gets to vote. Wait…let me say that again in case anyone was zoned out…EVERYONE GETS TO VOTE. If they receive a majority vote, the President is formally Impeached. Then it all goes to the Senate and proceeds like a trial - prosecutors, opening statements, juries, etc.
Current investigative tactics chosen by the impeachment committees, while they are breaking from the past procedures and asking for trouble, they are not breaking the law.
Why Is Everyone So Obsessed With Ukraine?
Ukraine is a major part of U.S. foreign policy because Russia keeps being a little dick and trying to invade it. Taking over Ukraine gives Russia the upper hand in Europe and undermines the U.S. – not to mention it gives them control over captured ISIS fighters and remaining ISIS territory, as well as U.S. weapons and oil that we stashed in Ukraine.
They have been known in the past for being rank with corruption, mostly influenced by Russia
Ukraine is financially weak and has stank of Russian corruption for decades. But, we give them lots of money and weapons to make sure they are able to stave off Russia. They have been a popular target of manipulation by American diplomats for many years – the country they know today is entirely due to and dependent on U.S.’s continued support of them.
Their movie star turned President is alleged to be the victim of Trump’s pressure campaign to have Ukraine investigate his political opponent Joe Biden. The theories that Ukraine infiltrated in the 2016 election instead of Russia has been disproved by multiple investigations and Trump’s own GOP.
The Biden Beef
So, while Obama was president, he and then Vice President Joe Biden outlined a goal to disrupt corruption within the Ukraine government. Meanwhile, Biden’s son Hunter, was sitting on the board of a Ukrainian company called Burisma in 2014 and was paid $50,000/month for it - also…Hunter Biden could probably wipe his ass with $50,000.
Clearly a dumb move considering his father was assigned the lead in efforts to remove corruption from Ukraine government. But the big sticky point was the firing of the Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin
Shokin had been widely condemned of aggressive corruption by bi-partisan groups world-wide, and he was eventually fired for basically being a slimy, corrupt, butt face. This is the same man who later announced that the Bidens had committed crimes during this process, investigated them, and then admitted that there was never any evidence of wrongdoing by the Bidens. Even though he was a buttface, he was ousted while Hunter Biden sat a prominent seat on a Ukrainian company - so everyone went bananas and have since been pushing to learn whether Hunter’s prominent position was abused in order to give Shokin the boot
The Bidens also publicly bragged that they used their political leverage to ensure that Shokin was fired. Both Bidens have been investigated by the CIA as well as Ukrainian officials, and not found to have committed any wrong-doing.
And All That Testimony (Part II Teaser)
Comparing similarities in investigative methods between Benghazi and the current impeachment probes. The choice to rely on private testimonies was outlined by the Republican led House Investigative Committee - and why private testimonies are the most effective method to conducting truthful testimonies. While this was not a presidential impeachment, their proceedings mirror the Democrats’ current approach and also the private testimonies held during the Nixon Impeachment.
During the private House Benghazi investigations, the testimony transcripts and all evidence (after redacted of high security information) was eventually released to the rest of the house. Nancy Pelosi has stated that they plan to release testimony transcripts and all redacted evidence to the House and Senate after completing initial investigations.
A group of House Republicans stormed a high security area of the Capitol during a recent impeachment testimony, protesting the privacy of the interviews and demanding entrance and delaying the testimony for house - apparently they ordered the news reporters pizzas, which is super chill, but also not that chill when you remember that they were the whole reason the reporters had to be there anyways. But…pizza.
The house committees responsible for conducting the impeachment investigations are comprised of both Democratic and Republican representatives. Out of the 432 total members of the House, 103 members sit on the House Intelligence, Foreign Affairs, and Oversight Committees, of which 47 members are Republicans.
Republican Representative of North Carolina, Mark Meadows, who has been present for the inquiries, debunks the Republicans’ theory that their representatives aren’t being allowed to ask questions during the closed door inquiries.
“Democrats get an hour to question the witness, followed by Republicans with the same time. Once the first two hours are up, they move to 45-minute increments. Lawmakers and staff are asking questions.”
THE WHOLE IMPEACHMENT SCHLONG PART I
WHAT EVEN IS IMPEACHMENT?
So let’s get down deep into Impeachment.
It is a process that the Framers (the dudes who wrote our constitution) actually swiped from British law. Our boy Alexander Hamilton was still pretty salty about King George bending them all over, and decided they needed to make sure that there was a way to get abusive officials out of office…you know, just in case. There actually was a surprising amount of push back to the proposal – some people thought that it shouldn’t be in the constitution because it was so unlikely that it would ever actually be attempted…clearly they really didn’t see Nancy Pelosi coming. They ended up adopting the British law almost word for word: the House of Commons (in the U.S. that’s the House) would bring charges against officers and then the House of Lords (that’s the Senate) would consider them at trial.
They also outlined what constituted as impeachable offenses: “misconduct of public men, or in other words from the abuse or violation of some public trust.” Or what we would now come to know as “high crimes and misdemeanors”.
Pretty damn vague, ya?
Well it turns out that that was intentional. The framers decided to be sneaky sneaks and not fully outline what constitutes for Impeachment, or how it should proceed. They decided that if it were to be attempted, it should be so vague and divisive a process as to…basically make all the shit hit the fan…and then hope all the skeletons come out of ALL of the closets.
James Bryce in 1888 described it best:
“Impeachment is the heaviest piece of artillery in the congressional arsenal, but because it is so heavy it is unfit for ordinary use. It is like a hundred-ton gun which needs complex machinery to bring it into position, an enormous charge of powder to fire it, and a large mark to aim at.”
In this piece we are going to talk about that ‘hundred-ton gun’, it’s history, how it is being implemented, what sort of ‘enormous charge powder’ is being used to fire it, and what large tupee’d orange man it’s being aimed at.
Let’s Chat Past Impeachments.
No U.S. president has ever been removed from office by the process of Impeachment.
* silence falls….Juuls everywhere crash to the floor * Ya, it’s true.
However, Impeachment isn’t really what people think it is, and this is an important clarification to make right now in our political climate. Impeachment isn’t just getting an official out of office - it solely means that the House has its panties in a BIG wad, and wants to tell Mommy and Daddy Congress about it. Then it is up to the Senate to process the information and allegations and vote. This is a big part of the Framers’ goal of separate powers within our government. Investigation into impeachment is run by the House and its elected committees, but it still has to go through a judicial trial, and pass one of the most rigorous majority standards that our constitution demands – a two-thirds vote for removal by Congress.
This is why Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton all faced Impeachment without ever getting tossed out of the Oval Office. Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton both were formally impeached – meaning that the House brought enough information forwards from their committees’ investigations for the Senate to say – “okay fine, we’ll take a look.”
At that point, the Senate turns into a court of law – Senate members sit as jury, lawyers are hired, opening statements are made, evidence is presented. This is where, in history to date, impeachment proceedings go to die. That two-thirds vote is an elusive white whale. Nixon resigned before he could be removed, and even though Johnson and Clinton were Impeached by the House, they still didn’t get the boot from the Senate.
This is why everyone just needs to relax about these proceedings because, as usual, Hamilton has our backs. The process is designed to allow the House to investigate, tell Mom and Dad, and then proceed to trial with the motto that makes our country great – innocent until proven guilty.
Unless you’re O.J. – then it’s just innocent until proven guilty…and then still innocent.
end of page 1
How Does Impeachment Go Down?
The House Judiciary Committee first announces official impeachment proceedings. The assigned committees (consisting of both Republicans and Democrats) then hold hearings to investigate whether the impeachment step is necessary. This can include calling witnesses, collecting documents and debating whether the behavior in question constitutes an impeachable offense. The House vote is not required before investigation begins.
Note – this process doesn’t just apply to presidents, impeachments actually happen all the time to judges, senators, etc.
Anyways, once the committees are done collecting evidence, they have to draft official articles of impeachment and bring them to the House floor for a vote. Impeachment proceeds only if there is a majority vote. After that it goes to trial in the Senate, and two-thirds of the upper chamber would have to vote to convict to remove the president.
So everyone just needs to take a deep breath – each party is perfectly welcome to waste their breath on impeachment proceedings however often they want (as both parties have throughout history) and we all need to be reminded to trust the design of the proceedings. Truth will out. These findings must be presented, defended, and receive majority votes in both the House AND the Senate. We are only at the early stages, and later on we will revisit how Republicans support this method of procedure as well, they just forgot. Just relax and trust Hamilton. He designed this process intentionally to be a ‘hundred-ton gun’ - so that all users of this weaponry must proceed with caution.
Why Is Everyone So Obsessed With Ukraine?
Ukraine is just the country I try to win in Risk to gain entrance to Eastern Europe (just kidding, we all know that Kamchatka is the key to the West).
But why is everyone freaking out about this tiny country?
Well, Ukraine is a major part of U.S. foreign policy because Russia keeps being a little dick and trying to invade it. Taking over Ukraine gives Russia the upper hand in Europe and undermines the U.S. – not to mention it gives them control over captured ISIS fighters as well as U.S. weapons and oil that we stashed in Ukraine.
BUT Ukraine is poor as hell because they have been rank with Russian corruption for decades. So we give them all kinds of money and cool weapons to make sure they are able to give Russia the finger. They have been a popular target of manipulation by American diplomats for many years – the country they know today is entirely due to and dependent on U.S.’s continued support of them.
They basically are the last brownie in the bin – except that the brownie tastes like shit – but your aggressive Russian older brothers want to use the brownie to take over the world so you have to save the brownie. And then the brownie basically owes you its life, so it would be rude to try to make the brownie do favors for you. It doesn’t even have thumbs though, so stop asking brownies to do your *ucking chores for you.
end of page 2
THE BIDEN BEEF
Why does everyone have a bee in their bonnet when it comes to Hunter Biden in Ukraine?
So, while Obama was president, he and then Vice President Joe Biden outlined a goal to disrupt corruption within the Ukraine government. Meanwhile, Biden’s son Hunter, was sitting on the board of a Ukrainian company called Burisma in 2014 and was paid $50,000/month for it. Hunter has admitted that it was not a wise decision to sit this board while his father was working, under Obama, to eliminate corruption in Ukraine. Joe Biden has repeatedly claimed that he and his son have never discussed business –
and I believe that just as much as I believe that Trump’s children don’t rake in millions overseas from their respective companies in direct response to Trump’s presidency.
This was clearly a dumb move considering his father was assigned the lead in efforts to remove corruption from Ukraine government. But the whole issue surrounds the firing of the Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin. Shokin had been widely condemned of aggressive corruption by bi-partisan groups world-wide. Essentially everyone got mad that he was ousted while Hunter Biden sat a prominent seat on a Ukrainian company.
But the bottom line is that both parties agreed that this man was aggressively corrupt, damaging to U.S. public relations, and that his ousting only supported our foreign policy goals. There is not and has not never been any evidence of bribery or law-breaking by either Bidens in removing this corrupt diplomat.
This issue has been investigated by both the Ukrainian government and the C.I.A.
While I agree it doesn’t look great that Joe Biden was working to destabilize Ukrainian corruption while his son sat a paid seat on a Ukrainian company – I actually think that this is an unacceptable precedent that has been exploited by Presidents throughout the ages; and now more than any other president in history – children of Presidents have been classically leveraged in foreign affairs for decades. But arguably Trump’s kids have levied his presidency in their foreign business more than any other instance in history.
Ivanka’s tanking clothing brands received huge monetary endorsement from China, despite its failings. They manage hundreds of properties abroad, host foreign meetings with diplomats directly associated with U.S. politics. I think this is some serious horse shit – but I also think that this horse shit has gone on for a long time under many presidents over the past decades.
But I can’t argue that this issue directly affects foreign policy – I don’t think that China buying out Ivanka’s crappy clothing brand affected any of Trumps decisions, and I similarly believe the presented data stating the Hunter Biden’s role with Burisma did not affect Joe’s efforts to remove the corrupt lawyer from Ukraine’s government.
I know that the Biden dumb dumbs were bragging about leveraging valuable assets against Ukraine to get Shokin removed - which was stupid, but investigations have proved those claims were exaggerated. Also if Republicans want to hold politicians accountable for what they shout about on social media…they might want to resist that urge…for obvious reasons. Or else we might end up with a Mexico border wall in Colorado.
IT’S RAINING SUBPOENAS - PART II
“AND ALL THAAAAAT TESTIMONY”
First let’s introduce some of the stars of this play…
THE WHOLE SCHLONG PART II
And All That Testimony
So there has been quite the debacle about how these impeachments proceedings have been…well…proceeding.
As I mentioned earlier, Hamilton intentionally made the regulations surrounding impeachment proceedings vague.
While the processes used in previous impeachments can be defined as ‘standard’, they are not law. The House has previously held a vote before launching their investigations – but our constitution doesn’t state that that step is legally required. It definitely would have given more credibility to the current proceedings, had Nancy stuck with the ‘standard practice’, but her decision to break from that is not illegal. The WSJ described it perfectly in September of 2019:
“This is not exactly your father’s presidential impeachment investigation. Democrats are deviating in key ways from the way the House launched the two presidential impeachment inquiries of the modern era.”
Pelosi’s findings still will have to be brought to the House before reaching the Senate, and considering that they are investigating such sensitive matters – I don’t find it surprising that they want to collect their data without the influence of non-committee politicians and the press. It is the exact same method that the Republicans chose in the Benghazi investigations.
I think it is impossible to talk about these proceedings without also talking about Benghazi…
Mostly because I think it’s important to fight divisive political points with other divisive political points. Ha, just kidding.
But it’s so much easier to get a better understanding on this hoopla when you relate it to the most historically similar investigation to take place in the U.S.
Ben-damn-ghazi.
I will abstain from making any personal opinions or conjectures from the Benghazi issues – but I will, however, cite the words of the Republican led investigation committee.
Hillary made some serious errors that some would call a calculated sabotage, and others might call a misunderstanding.
It is definitely worth everyone’s time to compare these proceedings to past impeachment proceedings, delineating the differences will only help to outline how this should move forward. But we keep forgetting that impeachment isn’t just for presidents – many career diplomats have been removed from their post through this process. Most proceeding without a House vote, while they investigate relevant and confidential information.
The Benghazi investigations also implemented influential diplomats and highly regarded government employees. After some excruciating public hearings (one a 8+ hour long live testimony from Hillary Clinton), they definitively decided that the involvement of House members who were not members of the investigative committees, and the press, were severely impeding the proceedings and the testimonies.
There was a similar response to the public Mueller testimonies- Democrats were scorned for creating a clearly political spectacle and Michael Cohen was convicted of perjury (among other crimes) that he committed during the explosive public testimonies.
I’m about to spit a long ass quote – but stick around for the whole thing because you won’t regret it. This excerpt is pulled directly from Republican Senator Trey Gowdy of South Carolina - this quote is from the final official report of the Benghazi Investigations in 2014:
“The Committee’s preference for private interviews over public hearings has been questioned. Interviews are a more efficient and effective means of discovery. Interviews allow witnesses to be questioned in depth by a highly prepared member or staff person. In a hearing, every member of a committee is recognized—usually for five minutes—a procedure which precludes in-depth focused questioning. Interviews also allow the Committee to safeguard the privacy of witnesses who may fear retaliation for cooperating or whose work requires anonymity, such as intelligence community operatives. Both witnesses and members of Congress conduct themselves differently in interviews than when in the public glare of a hearing. Neither have an incentive to play to the cameras. Witnesses have no incentive to run out the clock as long-winded evasive answers merely extend the length of the interview. Likewise, members have no need to interrupt witnesses to try to ask all their questions in five minutes. Perhaps more importantly, political posturing, self-serving speeches, and theatrics serve no purpose in a closed interview and, as a result, the questioning in interviews tends to be far more effective at discovering information than at public hearings. For these reasons, nearly all Executive Branch investigations are conducted in private and without arbitrary time constraints. This is no less true in a Legislative Branch investigation”
Democrats have been chastised for their proceedings in this impeachment,
stating that they have broken from prior standards. And that’s not wrong, Nancy Pelosi’s decision not to start out the investigations with a House vote has received bi-partisan back-lash. Truly, I don’t get why she didn’t just check that box off since they hold the majority anyways – maybe she wasn’t in a gambling mood?
Either way, while her proceedings break from precedent,
they are not illegal.
The committees, consisting of both Republicans and Democrats, will publish their findings before the House before it is allowed to move to the senate.
The Democrats have now stated…
that they will be moving into the public eye with their findings – providing a wonderful moment for Republicans to quite loudly remind everyone (kinda like this, AH HAAAHHH!!!) that she is only making this move because she knew what they were doing was unlawful. While shouting ‘Ah HA!” at people’s faces is super fun, I’d resist the urge on this one, as the Democrats announced early on that they would be publicizing their findings eventually. Some Republicans who also remember that fact, are shouting that now Nancy gets to control the narrative and whatever gets released.
However, I believe the 42 Republican representatives present for all those sessions will have something to say. Also if they were to falsify what was said in those testimonies…well frankly, they just couldn’t. Those who testified would speak out, the Republicans would speak out, the impeachment vote would go sour before it even reached the Senate. The public hearings they will now hold with the same people would differ from transcripts. It just. It’s a stupid idea.
So like I’ve said before,
everyone just relax, and pretend you’re on a boat in the Caribbean and that tidal wave of political shit headed your way, is just a rolling wave lapping the side of the boat.
It all began…maaaaany investigations ago…in a younger, fresher world that we now long for…….so…earlier this year.
While Trump was trying to deflect from the Mueller investigations, he perpetuated a rumor that publications as far and wide as the NYT and Fox News have deemed unsupported. This that Ukraine, NOT Russia, played a role in the stolen server associated with the D.N.C. during the 2016 elections.
It’s kind of like when your mom tells you to stop playing with the baseball inside and you don’t and you break a lamp, and then try to tell your mom that Ukraine did it instead.
Same sort of thing.
Anywho, they also were unhappy that a corrupt Ukrainian official was ousted while Hunter Biden sat in a powerful position in Ukraine. Which is like…I don’t have a comparison for that…it’s just what happened. Trump has always been a big fan of this theory, even after Mueller and his own G.O.P’s investigations (everyone shut up I’m not talking about collusion…just the Russia interference part) found that Russia played a pivotal role in our 2016 election.
Our story begins on a stark stormy night in April of 2019…
as Ukraine elected a new president *lightening flash* Volodymyr Zelensky - the former movie star turned politician.
Just kidding he isn’t evil and it wasn’t stormy, but he was elected and he did used to be a movie star not un-like a certain Arnold who we all know…will be back. He ran on a platform based on ridding Ukraine of corruption. Trump wanted to make sure the new guy on the block knew who was really in charge though, so he starts by giving the guy a call and congratulating him on winning and also casually brings up the Bidens.
Seems a little unorthodox but not an impeachable offense so far, yes? Yes.
However, behind the curtains lurked a certain vampire named Rudy Guilliani.
Now let’s be clear about something right out of the gates – Guilliani does not work for the White House.
He is not a senator, he is not a member of security staff, he is not an ambassador. He is just Trump’s personal lawyer. Important piece to remember. So, Vampire Rudy has been making some big moves behind the scenes to start subtly letting Ukraine know that when they are fighting ‘corruption’ in their government, that means the Bidens and the ‘missing server’. So this vampire is being left alone to talk with all kinds of top diplomats.
Now let’s bring in our next character, the lovely Marie Yovanovitch.
Well she isn’t that lovely, in fact she looks like she’d wack my knuckles with a ruler back in second grade.
Anyways,
she is serving as the Ambassador to Ukraine and is stationed in Kiev. She slowly starts noticing lots of the dudes she usually has meetings with keep saying that Guilliani has been calling them and telling them conflicting information. She starts raising a fuss and asking a lot of questions. Trump and Vampire Rudy start getting really annoyed with this woman who seems to be dedicated to fighting corruption but not…their interpretation of corruption.
Trump makes it very clear to multiple officials that he wants her gone, and eventually he fires her abruptly and tells her to get on a plane that morning back to the U.S. All of Marie’s colleagues and many diplomats working closely to Trump freak out, file complaints, and stand in solidarity with Marie for being unreasonably forced out.
THEN - Rudy hops on a plane to Ukraine (hey, the rain in Spain! Nope, that’s nothing.) to swoop in with their new goals to ‘fight corruption’ directly with the Ukrainian government, since Marie was such a stick in the mud. This non-White House staff member is now conducting diplomatic relationships, in the absence of an ambassador, and then Trump later says that the information he gathered might be used in a Justice Department investigation. So. This is bad for the same reason as why I don’t let my dog attend my business meetings – because she might shit all over everything.
And that’s pretty much what happened. From this point on the only barrier between the Trump administrations’ investigations into ‘corruption in Ukraine’ has been eliminated (I am going to use that phrase in this piece in the same way the White House has been using it – to reference Biden and missing server information). Trump and Rudy are really cooking with grease now.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT…
Bill Barr, the attorney general, announces that they are launching a probe into the origin of the Russia investigation. Basically, means they’re looking to see if they can make 2 + 2 come out 5.
Trump and his administration start giving Ukraine the silent treatment. Guilliani cancels a trip, Trump told Pence not to attend Zelenksy’s inauguration – instead sending their third string quarterback, who has never thrown a football in his life, Rick Perry…The Energy Secretary! Naturally the next pick…
hmmm president? Doesn’t want to go. Vice President? Can’t attend, has to bleach president’s asshole. Who else, who else…the former Texas governor and current Energy Secretary. Put ‘em in coach!
Then what happens next is that a ton of phone calls go down between lots of very important white men, mostly raising concerns about Vampire Rudy’s growing influence in Transylvania I mean Ukraine. They also start getting really worried about the President cancelling trips, dodging phone calls, and outright claiming that he wants to wait and see if Ukraine was going to get serious.
Then we hire a new ambassador – William Taylor, a highly respected military man who has worked with Ukraine extensively. William Taylor is super hesitant to take the job, he doesn’t want to be one of those basic White House bitches that joins the Trump campaign and then goes to prison – just like those high school kids that never left your hometown. The most important sign that he shouldn’t have taken the job though was…his wife told him he shouldn’t.
Women. Are. Always. Right. Stop even trying.
Anyways he takes the job and basically ends up subpoenaed within a few months, poor fella. Either way, he packs his bags and heads to Ukraine after telling the White House basically that if they try to rock the Ukraine boat, he will immediately resign. Little did he know that boat was already rockin’, and he should NOT have come knockin’.
Taylor immediately gets to work trying to organize a trip for Zelensky to the Oval Office – a really important symbolic event to set the tone for our future relationship with Transylvania. But things start getting weird – he keeps having very concerned Ukrainians approach him asking if America’s attitude towards Ukraine has changed. Taylor starts noticing all these very concerned Ukrainians have one thing in common – they all have been in touch with Rudy the Vampire and Gordon Sondland (who oversees the EU, of which Ukraine is not a part of). They’ve been bitten. So basically Taylor shows up in Ukraine with flowers and chocolates, meanwhile Guilliani is making phone calls telling them that if they don’t start looking into the “corruption” – America isn’t giving them shit. So guess who looks like a chump? Honestly it’s hard to tell at this point…probably all of them.
As a result, the Ukrainians are confused and start asking Taylor a lot of questions. So Taylor calls up Sondland and asks him, hey…what the hell’s going on here? And also, you’re the ambassador to the U.N.? You don’t even go here?
Sondland then states that President Trump isn’t going to play nice unless Zelensky makes a televised public statement that he plans to investigate the Bidens.
Which if you are skimming this paragraph…this is BAD.
Trump is going over the head of the Ukraine ambassador, and managing foreign politics with two people who aren’t members of that department and one of whom doesn’t even work for the White House.
Sondland starts telling Taylor to keep the regular other diplomats who normally listen in, off the phone calls with Ukraine. Like a good little boy, Taylor starts reporting some of this alarming behavior to the Secretary of State.
So then a little while later, Trump tells Mulvaney (remember him? Acting White House Chief of Staff?) to withhold $400 million of Ukraine aid. Now see, that’s an allowance amount that I would notice not hitting my bank account.
I still check my account every hour until that $12 Venmo balance transfer hits.
Anyways, here is where there is a common misconception of the story. Many claim that there couldn’t be a quid-pro-quo (don’t forget the Q.P.Q. doesn’t have to happen for impeachment and literally doesn’t matter) because Ukraine didn’t know about the withheld money. This is just flat untrue. While Taylor did testify that he was astounded they kept it secret successfully for so long, but ya. Ukraine 100% knew – top officials began becoming aware of it around July 18, basically right before famous phone call when they hadn’t responded to Trump’s requests yet. We know this because they called Taylor about it and he took notes.
So they are calling like…give us our money please Mr. America, we want more Javelins (a sophisticated war weapon they buy from us, but it has a funny name, yes?).
Next – THE PHONE CALL. Trump and Z hop on the phone to chat for about 30 minutes. This is where the shit took that final leap into the fan.
Trump directly points of Ukraine’s dependence on us, his displeasure with their past anti-corruption campaigns, and that they have to investigate the Bidens. Not in conjunction with the White House – but with the Vampire.
Then all of the White House goes bananas about it, deletes the original transcript, types up a rough transcript, and hides it on a secret server that is for the most top secret covert operations in the U.S. It is NOT the server where conversations with allies get placed.
So after this, Ukraine gets some advice from Sondland about how exactly to manage Trump’s demands. They are very concerned about getting involved in U.S. politics – if they investigate the Bidens, the Democrats get mad at them, and they lose the bipartisan support they currently have in the U.S. Meaning that all decisions made regarding Ukraine start getting highly debated, possibly rejected, etc. Makes things very risky for them. But they also need to figure out how to go about it, because they need our money and weapons to continue fighting off Russia.
So they’re really stuck between a rock and a Trump.
Guilliani flies down there to continue pressuring them to make a public statement that they are investigating the Bidens. Mike Pence even flies down there and Zelensky questions him about where the money is. Guess what happens next?
They realize they aren’t getting money, weapons, or a White House visit – and Zelensky books an interview with CNN.
This is about when the Whistle Blower Report starts circulating.
At this point it has already been passed, through standard confidentiality measures, between the highest CIA officials. They then deem it credible and it lands in the lap of the White House and they decide not to pass it on. Which is considered illegal, and is being hashed out in the courts right now.
So the CIA, concerned that it was getting stuffed under the couch cushions, passes the complaint on to the House and Senate Intelligence committees. The intelligence committees freak out about it and announce they are investigating into whether Trump and Guilliani are abusing foreign policy.
THEN GUESS WHAT?
You can probably guess. All of a sudden the hold on Ukrainian aide gets lifted. Crazy coincidences happen all the time though everyone, however, not this time.
Then a lot of things happen in quick succession, the House Intelligence committee led by Nancy Pelosi announce they are investigation impeachment inquiries. Remember this phrase – they are not filing impeachment letters, they are not impeaching, they are launching an inquiry regarding impeachment. Basically…they’re looking into it. The Whistle Blower Report gets made public with redactions, and Trump releases the altered transcript of the perfect phone call.
Look guys, even if you are against this whole show-down, obviously the phone call wasn’t PERFECT.
At best, it was irrational and unplanned and he mentioned things he probably shouldn’t have at that time, and at worst it was the crescendo of a corrupt campaign driven by personal gain into the foreign policies of the United States.
THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY SO FAR
Now we have entered – the inquiry proceedings.
The Inquiry team is lead by Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff –
or as Trump likes to call him, Shifty Schiff. They have been asking a bunch of people to come and testify behind closed doors. We discussed the closed door thing in Part I – it’s standard practice to collect truthful information surrounding sensitive and confidential issues.
They still have to publish their findings formally, and the investigation committee consists of about 50/50 democrats and republicans, all given an equal time to interrogate witnesses during the closed door sessions.
Anyone who refuses the invite to testify is then issued a subpoena. The White House then rejects said subpoena, or instructs other officials to reject it.
Most officials have defied those instructions and showed up to testify anyways. Also the courts recently ruled Trump’s claim that he doesn’t have to comply with the subpoenas as “insufficient of proof, and unlawful, and be constituted as obstruction” and I believe he also tacked on that it is…
a total dick move.
As the subpoenas are now escalating and higher and higher ranking officials get asked to testify, we will see this standoff truly tested. Look below for the top billboard testifiers so far.
I couldn’t wrap this up without talking about when a group of the Republican House members last week, burst into the high security basements of the Capitol. They were demanding access to the closed door impeachment hearings.
Let me paint you a picture –
tall, young man, with fire blazing in his eyes and skin as white as snow, stands surrounded by geriatric males. It looked like a scene out of Book of Mormon being performed inside of a nursing home. Anyways, this young fiery Republican looks like just last night he had grabbed a waitress by her apron, slipped a $20 to her, and patted her ass…you know, like all waitress LOVE.
Anyways, he decides they will ‘storm’ the inquiry rooms, and he screams CHARGE!
He lifts a Trident we didn’t know he was holding, and the crowd charges down the hallway with the mighty of….a herd of cats.
They were stopped by the guards because they all had cellphones out which isn’t allowed, and were also trying to take a part of the building they work in, by force.
But don’t worry, about 10 of them actually already had access to be present for the hearings...including young trident boy. They just forgot or something.
In interviews later that same young man described this act of valor as…straight out of the movie 300. That movie is about the Spartans, arguably one of the most powerful armies in the history of man. Remember the geriatrics? Ya. No.
Moving on, as you saw or maybe didn’t see on this spooky Halloween day – Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff took the House floor dressed as a witch and a hunter. Get it? Witch. Hunt. JOKES.
Well they didn’t and actually, Nancy Pelosi took the House floor and conducted a public vote to formalize the impeachment proceedings. Remember from before? They announce the inquiry, do some digging, take an official vote on it, which gives both Democrats and Republicans different abilities now in terms of calling witnesses to testify publicly.
After that they file official articles of impeachment, vote again, and if it passes the House AGAIN it goes to the Senate.
Not exactly as simple as Legos. Well today they passed the initial House vote in favor of the impeachment (spooooky, scaaaary). Don’t get too excited though, because even though the impeachment can now move forwards, Republicans still unanimously voted NO on the proceedings. Democrats only won because they hold the majority, they still have a lot of minds to change.
Part of me wonders if the vote would have turned out better if they had taken it right after the Whistle Blower?
MOST IMPORTANT TESTIMONIES SO FAR
Joseph Maguire - the acting director of national intelligence, shared the whistle-blower’s complaint with Congress weeks after he was mandated to provide it – which has been highly challenged by Democrats. In his testimony the next day, he defended the whistle-blower’s actions, as well as his own handling of the case.
Kurt Volker – The former U.S. Special Envoy to Ukraine. Volker provided text messages that revealed that Mr. Trump’s buddies made it clear to the Ukrainian president that he would need to agree to Mr. Trump’s requests for investigations before visiting the Oval Office.
Michael Atkinson, the intelligence community inspector general who first notified Congress of the whistle-blower complaint, met privately with the House Intelligence Committee to discuss how he had determined that the allegations in the complaint were credible.
Marie L. Yovanovitch, the former U.S. ambassador to Ukraine, said that Mr. Trump had personally directed her removal based on “false claims.” Ms. Yovanovitch was recalled from her post months ahead of schedule, but she remains a Trump administration employee.
Gordon D. Sondland, a U.S. ambassador to the European Union, told House investigators that Mr. Trump largely delegated Ukraine policy to his personal lawyer, Rudolph W. Giuliani, a move that he disagreed with. Mr. Sondland has defied the administration by agreeing to comply with a subpoena to testify, but his lawyer said he will not produce documents unless the State Department does.
William B. Taylor Jr., the top American diplomat in Ukraine, told impeachment investigators that Mr. Trump had withheld foreign aid and refused a White House meeting until Ukraine’s leader publicly announced that his country would investigate Mr. Trump’s political rivals. The testimony directly contradicted Mr. Trump’s assertions that there was never a quid pro quo pressure campaign.
Alexander S. Vindman, the director for European affairs at the National Security Council who listened in on a July 25 telephone call between Mr. Trump and President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine, told impeachment investigators that he tried and failed to restore key details to a transcript of the call that the White House had removed.
Christopher J. Anderson, a Foreign Service officer who served as an adviser to Kurt D. Volker, the former United States special envoy to Ukraine, helped fill in details about Mr. Volker’s earlier testimony.
THE TIMELINE
This is a monthly breakdown compiling only the verified and corroborated information received through testimonies and other submitted documents so far – mostly consisting of Trump’s own submissions, his employees’ description of events, and then the Justice Department also submitted a napkin with like 4 spicy Cheetos on it but we weren’t sure how to process it so it has been left of out of the below timeline of events.
January 2019 – Rudy Giuliani meets with Ukrainian prosecutor Yuriy Lutsenko – a man, equivalent at the time of our U.S. Attorney General, who has been repeatedly accused of corruption and now fired from his position. He originally investigated Hunter Biden, after finding no evidence of criminal activity, he has since walked back his claims, stating he never saw evidence of wrongdoing by the Bidens. He also has claimed that he has never met Giuliani despite multiple documented meetings.
April 7, 2019 – Giuliani goes on air, this dude seriously loves to do public interviews. From waving around his phone on air, making insane noises and telling a Fox News reporter to “Shut the hell up, moron”, this is seriously this guy’s favorite side-hustle and we are here for it. Anyways, he goes on air and discusses the alleged Biden Dealings and openly asks for a Ukraine powered investigation. (Spoiler – Ukraine already investigated it, but since they are wonky and corrupted, so did the CIA).
April 21 – Trump calls new president Zelensky to congratulate him on winning the presidency and underline the importance of investigating corruption regarding the Bidens.
April 25 – Trump calls on Barr to look at previous Ukraine investigations after Sean Hannity suggests that they colluded with the Democrats in 2016. A widely disproved theory, most recently debunked by Trump’s own GOP.
May 6 – Trump fires Marie Yovanovitch and removes her from Ukraine. This had happened despite her fierce loyalty, against the from fellow senior officials, and alleged to be the result of a calculated campaign to remove a delegate who was not tolerant of the illegal foreign policy procedures taking place.
May 9 – Rudy Giuliani plans trip to Kiev, Ukraine to push the incoming government to move forward with investigations into Mr. Biden and 2016 election interference.
“We’re not meddling in an election, we’re meddling in an investigation, which we have a right to do,” Mr. Giuliani said.
May 10 – Trump openly states that it would be “appropriate” for him to speak to Mr. Barr about launching an investigation into the Bidens, and that he intends to speak with Giuliani about his trip to Kiev. (He didn’t speak to Barr, he has not been reported to have used any of the appropriate channels to address this corruption issue, relying solely on Giuliani to lead his pressure campaign).
May 10 A Few Hours Later…Giuliani cancels his trip to Ukraine reasoning not published.
Mid-May – Mike Pence cancels a trip to Zelensky’s inauguration on the orders of President Trump – sending instead Secretary of Energy Rick Perry instead.
Sending 3rd string Rick Perry is basically the equivalent of asking your Grandma to attend your gynecology appointment for you. People will be surprised, and the results will be irrelevant.
May 23 – Trump gets debriefed from our Energy Secretary’s experience at the Ukraine Inauguration Ceremony….(“It was fine, lots of weird food, no one would talk to me, some old lady tried to induct me into the secret Russian army…I said, ‘maybe’”) Trump claims that he thinks that “all Ukraine officials are corrupt.”
May 28 – Mike Pompeo tells William Taylor to return to Ukraine as the new U.S. Ambassador– Taylor only accepts on terms that he would remove himself if the current support of Ukraine changed in any way.
June 13 – Trump asks the world for damaging information on his political rivals on live television. (that was fun)
June 17 – Taylor takes written letter from Trump inviting Zelensky to an Oval Office meetings, to Ukraine. Found Ukraine to be confused and concerned regarding a suspected U.S. policy shift towards Ukraine – founded from extraneous conversations with Giuliani’s additional dealings.
June 27 – Ambassador Sondland tells Taylor that it was pivotal for President Z. to verbally announce his intentions to investigate Biden.
June 28 - Sondland tells Taylor that he did not want to include most of the regular interagency participants in a call planned with President Zelensky later that day.
June 30 – Taylor writes report of phone call with Zelensky to Secretary of State out of concern for legality surrounding the event.
Mid July – Trump instructs Mick Mulvaney to withhold almost $400 million in aide to Ukraine, unprecedented in our history of supporting Ukraine against Russian aggression.
July 18 – Top Ukraine officials made aware of financial hold and reached out to William Taylor out of concern
July 20 – Mr. Danyliuk called Taylor over concerns about getting Ukraine involved in domestic politics
July 25 – The Trump/Zelensky phone call; asks for help in looking to a theory that Ukraine withheld server data and not the Russian government – a theory that the GOP recently debunked.
July 26 – Ukraine president pushes questions regarding Ukraine’s meetings with the White House meetings that were agreed upon.
July 25 - Right After The Call – White House officials are directed to move the transcript to a secure server normally reserved for the highest level of covert ops. The call transcript was saved on this secretive serve not normally used for routine calls between leaders with allied countries. Then Trump & Co. published a transcribed version of the +30 min phone call in attempts to satisfy nay-sayers.
July 26 – Mr. Volker and Sondland advise Ukraine leadership on how to navigate the demands coming from the Trump administration during meetings in Kiev.
Early August – Giuliani meets with a top aide to Zelensky in Madrid and reiterated the importance of investigation Trump’s political opponents.
August 29 – Mr. Yermak calls Taylor to inquire about the withheld monetary support, when Taylor was embarrassed because he also was unaware of why or for how long the support was being withheld.
September 1 – Zelensky meets with Mike Pence and immediately brings up security support concerns, Pence agreed to ask Trump about it (assistance now withheld over a month)
Also September 1 – Sondland told Yermak that the security assistance would not come unless Zelensky publicly announced his inquiry into the Burisma servers, and Biden debacle.
“I told [Ambassador Sondland] that President Trump should have more respect for another head of state and that what he described was not in the interest of either Trump or Zelenskyy.” – Taylor
